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marrow_skyI'm writing this post a little late (okay fine a lot late) because mostly I'm lazy, but it was bothering me enough for me to take a crack at it.
So let's play a little drinking game, children. Except it won't be little, because if you aren't dead of alcohol poisoning by the end of this post, you're playing this game WRONG. Unless you have a liver made out of iron and adamantium.
Basically it's the staple of all drinking games, take a shot every time you see the trope/word/etc. on screen. This is going to be a real fun one, because we'll be taking a shot every time in the Eleventh Hour we see: 1) a Moffat trope, 2) a ripoff from another episode.
Are you feeling a little queasy? It is your brain calculating then screaming about how much alcohol that's going to be.
A couple of shots will be half-shots. I say this because some of these might seem a bit of a stretch, but I feel too strongly about it to let it go, so you do take something. Half-shot seems to be a good substitute, since I'm being glass half-empty, so DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
Some things I will call multiple shots for, because they're pretty blatant and I feel like one isn't enough.
Are you ready? Go!
So the episode starts with a TARDIS spiralling totally out of control (in the real world, not the Vortex), and the Doctor hanging out the doors and manipulating what little of the TARDIS he can remotely using his sonic screwdriver. Also Murray Gold is blaring sexy, sexy music into your ears, reminding you that if he wasn't here, you would weep for his absence. Honest to God, I dunno if I was watching the episode or just listening to it; it had damn good music.
- Take a half-shot for Runaway Bride, the scene on the road.
He manages to avoid falling out of his TARDIS and losing his genitals before they can be properly tested out (since it's Moffat, it can't be long now!), climbing back in just before it goes completely berserk. The credits begin with a new logo, and apparently the Vortex, and therefore time itself, is suffering from cloudy weather these days, which is probably the Doctor's fault, as it usually is. I have to say, it has been raining quite a bit...
We cut to a creepy little pathway leading up to a house, a la Blink (no shot because, I mean, yeah that would be stretching it). There is creepy music with a woman making creepy sounds and damnit Murray Gold, can you stop being awesome, I'm trying to watch this.
There's a little Scottish girl writing a letter to Santa... through prayer, I guess, and she's afraid of a crack in her wall and hopes that Santa can bring someone to fix it. By this point I don't know if this little girl is getting God confused with Santa, but I'm sure there's some explanation that will never be revealed for this. Despite it being an ordinary crack in her wall, she knows it isn't, because she can hear voices from it at night, and no amount of people assuring her it's just the Bogeyman come to make sure she eat her greens is making her feel better about it. I'm also confused at why she only hears the voices at night - do these voices go to sleep during the morning? Voices have sleep cycles?
Suddenly, there's a vworping sound and a crash, and the little girl asksGod Santa to wait a moment while she goes to check it out, grabbing her torch on the way.
GOD/SANTA/WHOEVER:
LOOK KID, YOU DON'T TELL ME TO WAIT A MINUTE FOR YOU.
Going to the window, she sees an upturned blue "Police Public Call Box" that is smoking from the cracks that has crashed through right the middle of their shed. The shed is about as happy about this as the little girl is fascinated, until the girl finally seems to realise this isn't a normal behaviour for sheds, to be smashed through with blue boxes from the 1960s. After a second of pulling the "what the fuck" face that we all would have, she seems to realise who this is and says "Thank you, Santa."
GOD/SANTA/WHOEVER:
I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO, BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE SKY OR PRAYING ON YOUR BED, THIS IS GOD, YOU LITTLE SHIT. ARE YOU AFRAID OF WEARING MY NAME OUT? YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK ANOTHER HOTLINE FOR SANTA, I HEAR HE TAKES MAIL. BUT YOU'RE WELCOME ANYWAY. LET'S HOPE YOU DON'T REGRET THAT.
As every little kid would because every little kid is stupid and if you found a blue box outside that was billowing out smoke, wouldn't you check it out (I'm not joking here, I totally would've), she runs out to investigate. Suddenly, the doors burst open and a grappling hook shoots out, and to the sound of Murray Gold going "OH MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME", we are greeted with the Doctor, or in the little girl's eyes, a soaked, very sweaty-looking man who lacks eyebrows, who grins stupidly at her for a second then asks for an apple.
- Take a half-shot, again, because I debated a bit about this, but they're similarities between the shot of Eleven grinning at Amy and Ten grinning at office worker in Partners in Time that I know that I wasn't the only one who noticed.
The crazy man who looked like he just climbed out of being shoved into a pool, goes on about apples, how he loves them, oh! he must be having a craving. Which is new, he hasn't had cravings before.
- Take a shot for fruits and cravings from The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances.
Apparently he fell all the way down to the library. And the swimming pool, which, unfortunately for all the books, seems to have ceased to be mutually exclusive. The little girl rolls her eyes, but gets to the point. Is he a policeman? Well, no he's not, and if she called a policeman, he'll probably be needing to get the hell out of here before they do something stupid. But no, she's just wondering if he's here to fix the crack in her wall, which -
AUGH HEARTBURN.
After spewing out some angel dust and having his hands channel the sparkling beauty of Edward Cullen for all they can for about three seconds, he asks her if she's scared about the crack in her wall. Well, she is, but that isn't important, because he is the Doctor! And he is here to help. Steering's a bit off though.
In the kitchen, the little girl asks what we've all been wondering as she hands him an apple: if he's a doctor, why is he in a police box? Well, little girl, it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, nomnom PTOOIE.
So basically the scene that happens next gets decreasingly cute as it goes on - considering the Doctor's asking a little girl to cook for him and... it just doesn't feel right to me. Also apparently Eleven doesn't like eating anything, so I'm really going to have to ask what is he going to eat.
GOD/SANTA/WHOEVER:
YOU REGRETTING THIS YET?
Well, at the end of it, fish sticks and custard, apparently. That seems like a good diet. Also can I just say I feel rather sorry for Matt Smith during what was probably at least a few takes of this, having to eat what is making my stomach go "oh god, have mercy" and more than once. Did he call in a sick day after this? Or file a complaint?
But Amelia Pond, as we find out her name is, is not scared. No, she is completely unaffected by crazy men falling out of police boxes while being doctors and eating fish sticks dipped in custard. So that must be one scary crack in her wall. (I actually did like this line.)
We come to her bedroom where the Doctor is examining said crack in her wall.
- Take a shot for "Had some cowboys in here" from Girl in the Fireplace.
In what is a pretty nice scene, Amy gives the Doctor an apple that her mother had carved a face into, which he takes and says he's keeping for later, before going back to business. The crack in her wall is obviously rather superficial when looked at, really, it's clear that it doesn't go all the way through. But there is a draft, which is very odd indeed.
- Take a shot for "Wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey" from Blink.
After some more deducing that lacks any real technobabble (in a science fiction show, uhm what), the Doctor deduces that the crack is not just a crack in her wall, it's a crack in the very fabric of time and space. And there's a voice coming through that says "Prisoner Zero has escaped", which makes me question even more why the voices go away in the morning, because if they've been there a while, do they just stop looking for this prisoner at some point? Well that's obviously a flaw in their security system, isn't it?
To fix the crack, the Doctor says he has to open, which he does. The black void is illuminated by the distant shape of bars, and it's fairly clear to see that it is a prison, if an unhuman one.
Let me put this in perspective for you.
Amelia is a seven year old girl, who, in her bedroom, has an anomaly (a crack) that connects her room to something that is not this Earth (Prisoner Zero's prison). Say, that sounds familiar to a certain Reinette, who, as a seven year old girl, had an anomaly (her fireplace) in her bedroom that connected her room to something that was not on this Earth (the spaceship). This is skipping ahead, but the Doctor mentions that he became the 'imaginary friend' for Reinette, which is also what Amelia calls the Doctor later on.
- GIRL IN THE FIREPLACE. Two shots. TAKE IT.
After the Doctor calls out, a giant eyeball comes to stare at them (although I dunno what else it would've done), and after a few moments, shootsa soul from the Harry Potter movies a psychic message to the Doctor's psychic paper. I don't understand why it didn't just say "Prisoner Zero has escaped" because apparently it conveyed the exact same message, but before you say it was because it's a giant fucking eyeball and not a giant fucking mouth, it has no problems talking later on in the show.
Well, the crack is gone now, and Amelia asks him what that was. Obviously, Amelia, it was a GIANT FUCKING EYEBALL, were you not paying attention? The Doctor did say not to ask stupid questions.
The Doctor deduces that Prisoner Zero must have escaped through the crack in her wall, but that's ridiculous, since as a crack in a little girl's wall, she would have noticed. Unless she sleeps or something, but never mind. And then we get a shot where we aaaaaall get to realise that Matt Smith has nice green eyes. (He does have nice green eyes, though.) The camera fixates on a door at the end of the hallway, which doesn't seem all that special, but the Doctor seems to find it worrying.
But oh! NEVER MIND ABOUT THE POSSIBLY EXTREMELY DANGEROUS ALIEN HIDING IN A ROOM THAT I COULDN'T SEE UNTIL I REALLY REALLY TRIED, AMELIA, WHO IS SEVEN YEARS OLD. Admittedly, the cloisters are ringing and the Doctor says that if he's not quick the TARDIS will probably actually cease to work, and he does plan to return after five minutes, and he is totally willing to take said seven year old girl along in his time machine to- wait, what?
You what? No, Doctor. Amelia is seven years old. So let me get this straight. You aren't okay with the little girl being in a very broken TARDIS with you, but you ARE okay with taking said little girl on adventures into the universe to face things that will probably get her - SHE'S SEVEN YEARS OLD. Do you remember what happened to your last few companions? Rose got trapped in another universe (and then came back for a shitty finale two series later, but THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN, so let's just say she just got trapped in another universe). Jack ended up basically immortal and going through unimaginable horrors as such, like being buried alive for two thousand years. Martha had her entire family tortured, lived a life of basic hell and finally left. And Donna had to have her memories removed in an extremely traumatic scene, except that those shitty finales didn't happen, so I guess she's actually living on some tropical island somewhere because she decided she was MADE OF AWESOME.
You really want to add a seven year old girl to this list. Really? Really?
It doesn't matter though, because Moffat has a fix for this, as you will find.
Amelia goes to pack her bags, eager to have her life horribly mutilated. As she runs around, we realise that the door the Doctor was staring at before with some consternation earlier is now open, but who cares, Amelia is being all cute and excited (she really is) and boy she just can't wait to see what the Doctor does to her!
Wearing her winter clothes, she waits by the spot the TARDIS had disappeared from and begins to wait...
... and wait...
... and wait...
(To be continued because I am lazy)
So let's play a little drinking game, children. Except it won't be little, because if you aren't dead of alcohol poisoning by the end of this post, you're playing this game WRONG. Unless you have a liver made out of iron and adamantium.
Basically it's the staple of all drinking games, take a shot every time you see the trope/word/etc. on screen. This is going to be a real fun one, because we'll be taking a shot every time in the Eleventh Hour we see: 1) a Moffat trope, 2) a ripoff from another episode.
Are you feeling a little queasy? It is your brain calculating then screaming about how much alcohol that's going to be.
A couple of shots will be half-shots. I say this because some of these might seem a bit of a stretch, but I feel too strongly about it to let it go, so you do take something. Half-shot seems to be a good substitute, since I'm being glass half-empty, so DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
Some things I will call multiple shots for, because they're pretty blatant and I feel like one isn't enough.
Are you ready? Go!
So the episode starts with a TARDIS spiralling totally out of control (in the real world, not the Vortex), and the Doctor hanging out the doors and manipulating what little of the TARDIS he can remotely using his sonic screwdriver. Also Murray Gold is blaring sexy, sexy music into your ears, reminding you that if he wasn't here, you would weep for his absence. Honest to God, I dunno if I was watching the episode or just listening to it; it had damn good music.
- Take a half-shot for Runaway Bride, the scene on the road.
He manages to avoid falling out of his TARDIS and losing his genitals before they can be properly tested out (since it's Moffat, it can't be long now!), climbing back in just before it goes completely berserk. The credits begin with a new logo, and apparently the Vortex, and therefore time itself, is suffering from cloudy weather these days, which is probably the Doctor's fault, as it usually is. I have to say, it has been raining quite a bit...
We cut to a creepy little pathway leading up to a house, a la Blink (no shot because, I mean, yeah that would be stretching it). There is creepy music with a woman making creepy sounds and damnit Murray Gold, can you stop being awesome, I'm trying to watch this.
There's a little Scottish girl writing a letter to Santa... through prayer, I guess, and she's afraid of a crack in her wall and hopes that Santa can bring someone to fix it. By this point I don't know if this little girl is getting God confused with Santa, but I'm sure there's some explanation that will never be revealed for this. Despite it being an ordinary crack in her wall, she knows it isn't, because she can hear voices from it at night, and no amount of people assuring her it's just the Bogeyman come to make sure she eat her greens is making her feel better about it. I'm also confused at why she only hears the voices at night - do these voices go to sleep during the morning? Voices have sleep cycles?
Suddenly, there's a vworping sound and a crash, and the little girl asks
LOOK KID, YOU DON'T TELL ME TO WAIT A MINUTE FOR YOU.
Going to the window, she sees an upturned blue "Police Public Call Box" that is smoking from the cracks that has crashed through right the middle of their shed. The shed is about as happy about this as the little girl is fascinated, until the girl finally seems to realise this isn't a normal behaviour for sheds, to be smashed through with blue boxes from the 1960s. After a second of pulling the "what the fuck" face that we all would have, she seems to realise who this is and says "Thank you, Santa."
I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO, BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE SKY OR PRAYING ON YOUR BED, THIS IS GOD, YOU LITTLE SHIT. ARE YOU AFRAID OF WEARING MY NAME OUT? YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK ANOTHER HOTLINE FOR SANTA, I HEAR HE TAKES MAIL. BUT YOU'RE WELCOME ANYWAY. LET'S HOPE YOU DON'T REGRET THAT.
As every little kid would because every little kid is stupid and if you found a blue box outside that was billowing out smoke, wouldn't you check it out (I'm not joking here, I totally would've), she runs out to investigate. Suddenly, the doors burst open and a grappling hook shoots out, and to the sound of Murray Gold going "OH MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME", we are greeted with the Doctor, or in the little girl's eyes, a soaked, very sweaty-looking man who lacks eyebrows, who grins stupidly at her for a second then asks for an apple.
- Take a half-shot, again, because I debated a bit about this, but they're similarities between the shot of Eleven grinning at Amy and Ten grinning at office worker in Partners in Time that I know that I wasn't the only one who noticed.
The crazy man who looked like he just climbed out of being shoved into a pool, goes on about apples, how he loves them, oh! he must be having a craving. Which is new, he hasn't had cravings before.
- Take a shot for fruits and cravings from The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances.
Apparently he fell all the way down to the library. And the swimming pool, which, unfortunately for all the books, seems to have ceased to be mutually exclusive. The little girl rolls her eyes, but gets to the point. Is he a policeman? Well, no he's not, and if she called a policeman, he'll probably be needing to get the hell out of here before they do something stupid. But no, she's just wondering if he's here to fix the crack in her wall, which -
AUGH HEARTBURN.
After spewing out some angel dust and having his hands channel the sparkling beauty of Edward Cullen for all they can for about three seconds, he asks her if she's scared about the crack in her wall. Well, she is, but that isn't important, because he is the Doctor! And he is here to help. Steering's a bit off though.
In the kitchen, the little girl asks what we've all been wondering as she hands him an apple: if he's a doctor, why is he in a police box? Well, little girl, it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, nomnom PTOOIE.
So basically the scene that happens next gets decreasingly cute as it goes on - considering the Doctor's asking a little girl to cook for him and... it just doesn't feel right to me. Also apparently Eleven doesn't like eating anything, so I'm really going to have to ask what is he going to eat.
YOU REGRETTING THIS YET?
Well, at the end of it, fish sticks and custard, apparently. That seems like a good diet. Also can I just say I feel rather sorry for Matt Smith during what was probably at least a few takes of this, having to eat what is making my stomach go "oh god, have mercy" and more than once. Did he call in a sick day after this? Or file a complaint?
But Amelia Pond, as we find out her name is, is not scared. No, she is completely unaffected by crazy men falling out of police boxes while being doctors and eating fish sticks dipped in custard. So that must be one scary crack in her wall. (I actually did like this line.)
We come to her bedroom where the Doctor is examining said crack in her wall.
- Take a shot for "Had some cowboys in here" from Girl in the Fireplace.
In what is a pretty nice scene, Amy gives the Doctor an apple that her mother had carved a face into, which he takes and says he's keeping for later, before going back to business. The crack in her wall is obviously rather superficial when looked at, really, it's clear that it doesn't go all the way through. But there is a draft, which is very odd indeed.
- Take a shot for "Wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey" from Blink.
After some more deducing that lacks any real technobabble (in a science fiction show, uhm what), the Doctor deduces that the crack is not just a crack in her wall, it's a crack in the very fabric of time and space. And there's a voice coming through that says "Prisoner Zero has escaped", which makes me question even more why the voices go away in the morning, because if they've been there a while, do they just stop looking for this prisoner at some point? Well that's obviously a flaw in their security system, isn't it?
To fix the crack, the Doctor says he has to open, which he does. The black void is illuminated by the distant shape of bars, and it's fairly clear to see that it is a prison, if an unhuman one.
Let me put this in perspective for you.
Amelia is a seven year old girl, who, in her bedroom, has an anomaly (a crack) that connects her room to something that is not this Earth (Prisoner Zero's prison). Say, that sounds familiar to a certain Reinette, who, as a seven year old girl, had an anomaly (her fireplace) in her bedroom that connected her room to something that was not on this Earth (the spaceship). This is skipping ahead, but the Doctor mentions that he became the 'imaginary friend' for Reinette, which is also what Amelia calls the Doctor later on.
- GIRL IN THE FIREPLACE. Two shots. TAKE IT.
After the Doctor calls out, a giant eyeball comes to stare at them (although I dunno what else it would've done), and after a few moments, shoots
Well, the crack is gone now, and Amelia asks him what that was. Obviously, Amelia, it was a GIANT FUCKING EYEBALL, were you not paying attention? The Doctor did say not to ask stupid questions.
The Doctor deduces that Prisoner Zero must have escaped through the crack in her wall, but that's ridiculous, since as a crack in a little girl's wall, she would have noticed. Unless she sleeps or something, but never mind. And then we get a shot where we aaaaaall get to realise that Matt Smith has nice green eyes. (He does have nice green eyes, though.) The camera fixates on a door at the end of the hallway, which doesn't seem all that special, but the Doctor seems to find it worrying.
But oh! NEVER MIND ABOUT THE POSSIBLY EXTREMELY DANGEROUS ALIEN HIDING IN A ROOM THAT I COULDN'T SEE UNTIL I REALLY REALLY TRIED, AMELIA, WHO IS SEVEN YEARS OLD. Admittedly, the cloisters are ringing and the Doctor says that if he's not quick the TARDIS will probably actually cease to work, and he does plan to return after five minutes, and he is totally willing to take said seven year old girl along in his time machine to- wait, what?
You what? No, Doctor. Amelia is seven years old. So let me get this straight. You aren't okay with the little girl being in a very broken TARDIS with you, but you ARE okay with taking said little girl on adventures into the universe to face things that will probably get her - SHE'S SEVEN YEARS OLD. Do you remember what happened to your last few companions? Rose got trapped in another universe (and then came back for a shitty finale two series later, but THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN, so let's just say she just got trapped in another universe). Jack ended up basically immortal and going through unimaginable horrors as such, like being buried alive for two thousand years. Martha had her entire family tortured, lived a life of basic hell and finally left. And Donna had to have her memories removed in an extremely traumatic scene, except that those shitty finales didn't happen, so I guess she's actually living on some tropical island somewhere because she decided she was MADE OF AWESOME.
You really want to add a seven year old girl to this list. Really? Really?
It doesn't matter though, because Moffat has a fix for this, as you will find.
Amelia goes to pack her bags, eager to have her life horribly mutilated. As she runs around, we realise that the door the Doctor was staring at before with some consternation earlier is now open, but who cares, Amelia is being all cute and excited (she really is) and boy she just can't wait to see what the Doctor does to her!
Wearing her winter clothes, she waits by the spot the TARDIS had disappeared from and begins to wait...
... and wait...
... and wait...
(To be continued because I am lazy)